1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,000
The best effect of medicine is...

2
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I have no idea.
BOTH LAUGH

3
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960
You see, I've had a lot of things
wrong with me.

4
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
I'm always going to the doctor's.

5
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,160
You get there
and you find out, you know,

6
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:38,960
there's queues to wait all the time,
in't there?

7
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:43,960
And then...I mean t'doctor's, a lot
of the time waiting in queues and...

8
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,640
I mean, most of the time,

9
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:48,800
you spend most of your time
in the doctor's waiting.

10
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,960
I'm one of these, I go to the doctor
when it's generally necessary.

11
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,960
I'm not one who goes for every pill,
potion and tablet there is.

12
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If I know what's the matter with me,

13
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I expect the doctor
to do something about it.

14
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I won't be fobbed off by them.

15
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Doctors have always scared me

16
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:08,960
because when I was born,
I nearly died.

17
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I had fifty-fifty per cent
chance of living

18
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,960
when I was born...

19
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and was in a little incubator

20
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and all my eyes were covered

21
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and I was yellow,

22
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which was awful.

23
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I rarely go to the doctor.

24
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The last time I did go,
he thought I'd died

25
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because I hadn't been
for such a long time.

26
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Doctors and I are great friends.
I owe a lot to doctors.

27
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They've kept me alive.
I've seen a lot of them.

28
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They've come. They've prodded me
from top to bottom,

29
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in and out, every end, every...

30
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
every part of my body.

31
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And they've un....

32
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:45,960
cut me open and stitched me up

33
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,800
and done a pretty good job on me
all over.

34
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,320
I'm the kind of person
that's a bit of a hypochondriac.

35
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,960
And if I get a little nagging pain
or something,

36
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I automatically think
it's something really serious.

37
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,000
But, then, I never go to the doctor.

38
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:02,160
And you never shut up about it
either.

39
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:05,960
I know. It's just a typical bloke,
I suppose where...

40
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,160
It's not.

41
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,960
Shall we row about it now?

42
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,960
It's these heart palpitations I get.

43
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I never know when
they're going to come.

44
00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:17,960
And they...they just...

45
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,960
You've got your heart
jumping about all over the place.

46
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:23,960
MONITORS BEEP

47
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,960
COUGHS

48
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,960
I can't do with sputum and
I can't do very much with feet.

49
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,160
I can't do anything
with anybody's feet.

50
00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,960
Doing anything with my own sputum
really makes my stomach turn over.

51
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
You know...

52
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I don't mind vomit.

53
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:44,960
I developed a funny lockjaw.

54
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
The dribble was coming out
the side of my mouth.

55
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I couldn't speak. I couldn't chew.

56
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,160
I just wanted to die.

57
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,960
Took one look at me and said,
"Oh, that's an allergic reaction."

58
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He gave me my antidote

59
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and immediately my mouth
just went urrgh!

60
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Back to normal.

61
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,000
That's what I've got now.
I've got throat swelling now.

62
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,960
And I've got, you know,

63
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,960
I've got the tablets for that
at the moment as well.

64
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,320
I've took a lot of tablets
all my life...

65
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,960
about 23,000...

66
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,960
and I'm still alive,
but at the end of the day,

67
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
I think without them
I'd have been dead.

68
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:22,960
DRY COUGH

69
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960
I once had my head
slammed in a door.

70
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That was good.

71
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:27,960
And I got...

72
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,960
I was saying goodbye to my friend

73
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,960
and somebody slammed the door
on my head.

74
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And it was my birthday

75
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
and I had to have
five stitches in my head.

76
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,000
So I've got them as well.

77
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I could've had a DVT - couldn't I? -
laid in bed all that time,

78
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but, as I say,
they gave me an anticoagulant.

79
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Anyway, I'm here to tell the story.

80
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,960
There's people worse off than I
am... I can walk about all right.

81
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,800
I remember having a severe cold,
which didn't shift.

82
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,960
And I shared a flat
with a couple of vet students

83
00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:00,000
who dosed me with Famel syrup,

84
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,960
the main active ingredient of which
I believe is creosote.

85
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,320
So I spent several days
smelling like a fence post,

86
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,960
but it did the job.

87
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,960
You see, I've had a lot of things
wrong with me.

88
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,960
There was big problems with my eyes
at one stage.

89
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,160
I went in about my eyes...
well, a lot of times

90
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:19,960
and had to go to see specialists.

91
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960
But what they do is they...
they clamp your head...

92
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,960
..in a...in a big clamp...

93
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,960
and they want to bounce things
on your eyeballs.

94
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:32,000
I had an eye operation
quite a few years ago.

95
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,960
I flew very quickly
after I'd had the eye operation.

96
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
Well...you can't, you know...

97
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:40,960
I couldn't be doing with that,
you know.

98
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,640
And so I'm pulling my head
out of this clamp all the time.

99
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,960
And it was a real concern.
I shouldn't have flown

100
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,960
because it put too much pressure
behind the eye.

101
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
That's another occasion

102
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,960
when they told me
I could just go on my own way.

103
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,960
So I got thrown out of there
as well.

104
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,960
I've fallen from this, yeah.
I fell from this once.

105
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,000
A little blonde beautiful,
little blonde lady.

106
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,960
She was quite nice, she was.

107
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Yes. That's the trouble.

108
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,320
I went to Birmingham to see her
on my old motorbike.

109
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:15,960
I don't like...
I had a blood test the other day,

110
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,640
but I do not like needles.

111
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,960
I don't like needles at all.

112
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,960
I look away
when I'm having an injection.

113
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:24,960
I'm fine with injections
into any part of my body,

114
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,640
but I won't have them in my mouth.

115
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,800
And the reason is that I...

116
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,960
I've always been the opposite.
I LOVE injections in my mouth.

117
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,960
Really?
I really quite like them.

118
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,960
In fact, the more intrusive
the dentistry the better I like it.

119
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,800
I'm not keen on dentists. I was
the last in Britain to be gassed.

120
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,640
They didn't use enough gas!
No. I did come round.

121
00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,960
That's when
they started phasing gas out

122
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,960
because they said
gas is too dangerous.

123
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
The big black mask.

124
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:54,480
You can see it coming towards your
face and the smell of the rubber.

125
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:58,640
And having all my bottom teeth
filled without anaesthetic.

126
00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:01,000
Dentists... Just brutal.

127
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,800
Really brutal.

128
00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:06,960
Dr Bewers, he was very good,
that boy.

129
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,320
I mean, I think he was the first one
that told me, you know,

130
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:13,000
some of the many things
that was wrong with me.

131
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,960
You know, I had a problem
with the inner ear...

132
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,960
and asthma,
what I had for a long time.

133
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,960
I've got a small scar
on my forehead,

134
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,960
where a child threw a brick at me...

135
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,960
or it seemed like a brick
at the time, but...

136
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,960
I've no scars...
And I've got a scar here.

137
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,960
I've no scars whatsoever anywhere.

138
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,960
You have.
Have I?

139
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,960
That? Do you count that as a scar?
It's only a little...

140
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,960
Well, that is a scar, yeah.

141
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,960
I don't count it as a scar.
Do you not? No.

142
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:50,320
I've got a scar on my elbow
and a scar on my other elbow

143
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,960
and a scar on my knee.

144
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:55,640
On my face, my legs, my stomach...

145
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,960
And a scar on my other knee,
on my tongue, my head.

146
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
My arms, wrists, hands -

147
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,960
everywhere.

148
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
There is no one part on my body
that does not have a scar.

149
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,960
I don't know
if I've got any other scars.

150
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960
Not physical ones.

151
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Mental ones, obviously,
I've got a lot of them,

152
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,960
but you can't see them
because they're inside my brain.

153
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,960
I was injured badly once...

154
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,960
Somebody kicked me in the forehead.

155
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:27,480
Being very young, I got up
and carried on and didn't think...

156
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,640
..it had done me much damage.

157
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,960
For all I know, some of that damage
may still be there.

158
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,960
May still affect some of the things
I do and some of the things I say.

159
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,960
I've broken all my toes.
I've got a dodgy knee.

160
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,160
I've bust both my ankles

161
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,160
and bent my feet back round
so they're next to my shins.

162
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,960
Broken my hand and my wrist
and my collarbone three times.

163
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,960
Bashed my head, knackered my back.

164
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960
And it's all been worth it.

165
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,960
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166
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LAUGHS: It's great.

167
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,960
I love smiling. I love being happy
and jovial, telling jokes,

168
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:05,960
being the butt end of jokes.

169
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,960
But, hey, now I can do it
with a mouthful of teeth

170
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
and I'm really looking forward
to it.

171
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,960
I've had crabs. They were good.

172
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,320
You got a hand, didn't you?

173
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,960
I did, yeah.
LAUGHS

174
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960
Ooh, hang on, hang on.

175
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,960
I won't let anyone stick
a thermometer in me. Ow!

176
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,480
Now it's a lot of talk
is what I find.

177
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,480
Um...and that. Yeah?

178
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,000
Sorry, what was the question again?

179
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